You see, only Wild Women like key lime pie. Not amazing women who are also wild like Mae West or Jane Fonda or Pink. Wild Women who cultivate chaos in their lives..but who lack that stable center of self-awareness. Whirling dervishes who whirl without purpose.
I met my first one in high school, my first boyfriend's mother. She bleached her hair a crispy platinum blonde. She turned her home into a zany DIY project by painting walls brick red and canary yellow and upholstering dining room chairs with zebra-print fabric. She meant well and she forget to cook dinner. She loves loves loves key lime pie--with as much enthusiasm as she maintains for brightly colored nail polish.
Other Wild Women I've met share this brand of craziness. They smoke Newport Lights and take lovers and dream in excess. They're brassy, they wear white summer suits and they dream of retiring in Miami. They all love key lime pie. Like Annette Benning in Running With Scissors...
"I'll have a Tab and a key lime pie. Doesn't that sound good, Augusten?"
She smiles dreamily and closes her eyes.
"Key. Lime. Pie."
No, Annette Benning!
That does not sound good!
My teeth are going need therapy to recover from the idea of Tab cola and key lime pie!
Anyway, you know and I now know that using pie as a barometer for mental stability is...insane. It's right up there with picking a mate based on a favorite color or whether or not he likes Queens of the Stone Age. Duh, Kate. Crazy and pie are mutually exclusive.
The point finally sank in a few Thursdays ago. My friend Lauren --a wild woman not unlike Mae West, in the best way -- and I attended a last-minute author reading at Powell's, then skipped across the street for dessert at The Living Room Theaters. From the cafe, we watched all of the nightlife downtown. Kelly, our waiter, kept us company and didn't complain once as we cheerfully sang along with the music over the stereo. Lauren snapped photos of her dinner and took notes for a review on her site while I treated myself to an Americano and a slice of house-made key lime pie. We had the perfect Portland evening, on what just happened to be my second anniversary of living here.
After such a cozy evening with a friend--in such a dark and inviting cafe, with light sparkling from glass teardrops in the chandelier--my heart softened. It only took one tart, creamy bite before key lime pie entered my good graces.
In fact, I now like key lime pie so much, I bake it at home. Just a word of warning: people react violently to this pie. One woman cursed me because she loved it so much. A coworker who ate this pie told me that when the dollar becomes worthless and when the economy tanks completely, he would like to be paid in this pie. Hopefully, people will go just as crazy when you make it.
Coconut Key Lime Pie with Pretzel Crust
improvised from a King Arthur Flour recipe
- about 6 oz. salted pretzels (1 cup crushed)
- 7 Tb. coconut oil
- 1/4 cup unbleached cane sugar
- 1 1/2 14-oz. cans sweetened condensed milk
- 3 large egg yolks
- 1/3 cup coconut milk
- 3/4 cup lime juice
- zest of 2 limes
- 1 drop green food coloring (optional)
- lime slices, shaved coconut, or pretzels for garnish (optional)
Crush the pretzels until they're reduced to fine crumbs. (I used a blender for this, but a food processor works just as well.) Pour the crumbs into a small bowl, and mix in the coconut oil and sugar.
Press the crust filling into the bottom of the pie pan, then up the sides. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes, then remove from the oven and cool.
Whisk together the egg yolks and sweetened condensed milk. Add the lime juice (and zest) and coconut milk, plus a drop of food coloring if you like. The mixture will thicken almost immediately; the citric acid in the lime juice reacts chemically with the sugar in the milk to "cook" the pie via souring. Freaky, I know.*
Pour the filling into the prepared crust and smooth the top with a spatula. Bake the pie for 28 to 32 minutes, until the top is almost completely set. There should be a smallish spot in the top that's still soft-looking; it'll firm up as the pie cools. Judge the doneness of the key lime pie the same way you would a cheesecake.
Cool the pie for several hours (or overnight) before serving. Top with whipped cream, lime zest, or crushed pretzels.
If you liked this post, you might also enjoy:
Candied citrus slices
Maple buttermilk pie
Sour cherry apple pie with root beer
